37 posts tagged “personal”

This pile of books is the result of changing my mind and following a different course of action. Last year at this time, I was entering seminary to study church history. I thought this was the proper course of action and yet once I was into the program, nothing was clicking. What happened was that I failed to allow myself time to let the right path unveil itself. Instead, I forced the issue and tried to make something work that was not going to work (square peg into a round hole syndrome). My philosophy, theology, and spirituality simply did not mesh with obtaining a Master's Degree in a strictly Christian environment.

So rather than continue to force the issue, I abruptly abandoned my seminary education. I did not know what I was going to do or where I was going. However, I gave myself permission and freed myself from my own self-built problem.

Now I am on the cusp of beginning again. I am starting a program that is truly the right fit and am working with the flow rather than against it. I have finally found my vocation.

I did not experience a close encounter with aliens.

I did not slip and fall off my toilet like Doc Brown.

 

However, like these two, I had a vision recently that has caused a major shift in my life. Last week I wrote about my decision to suspend my quest to obtain a graduate degree at the seminary. I talked about feeling theologically constricted and questioned the need for working on this degree.

 

What I did not talk about was the vision I received during one of the many sleepless nights I have been experiencing lately about this decision. Last Saturday, in a deranged fashion not unlike Neary or Doc Brown, I sketched out a drawing on one of many whiteboards in our house. Yesterday evening, I used the nifty Microsoft Word 2007 and made these diagrams.

Dating back to last year, I have been in a spiritual darkness that is common with many mystics and religious people. I now believe I have emerged from that darkness and am now in a place where I can begin the mission. I am now comfortable with my lot as a religious mutt, or as I will talk about in the future, a polyglot. I have for far too long tried to, as Ericka says, fit my square peg of a being into a round hole of existence. I have been forcing my theology into a Christian framework and it does not fit. Being an adult convert to religion, I do not have any religious heritage. I am forming my identity every day. I have come to peace with the fact that I draw my religious identity from all traditions I study. I have given myself permission to be religiously free.

 

My vocation now is to relate and connect the two diagrams above and to use that as a tool to help others in similar circumstances. I no longer believe I need graduate school because there are no schools that teach this. I have learned everything I need from my undergraduate studies. The rest I need to do on my own.

I need Linus' blanket after this week. This whole train the trainer thing is extremely difficult and is something totally out of my comfort zone. Have you ever had one of those days where you had to be on all of the time and could never rest? I have had five of those days in a row. Every day, I had to give training presentations and then have those presentations scrutinized by both my instructors and my fellow classmates. It is easily the most nerve-wracking experience I have ever voluntarily put myself through.

Despite all of this, I think my fears and worries about public speaking are now put to rest. I spent Monday and Tuesday dealing with this personal weakness. Now I am dealing with all of the issues associated with constant evaluation. Luckily, I have had the good fortune to draw assignments that are early in the day. This helps with the self-doubt and second-guessing that often plagues me. I believe I am now in a groove that will make the second week easier on my nerves.

A fun part of this training is my exposure and conversation with people from other countries. Of the eight people in the class, only four are from the United States. My partner is from China and I have worked with others from Hong Kong, Indonesia, and Germany.

After eating dinner at Fazoli's (third time this week), I enjoyed a tall Labatt Blue in the hotel's water park. Tomorrow, we will load up and drive two hours to Mackinaw City, MI, where we will catch a ferry to Mackinac Island.

After this post, I will continue to read The Brothers Karmazov, watch some Olympics coverage, and follow this preseason NFL game.

I'm not sure what I was thinking. Today my listing in the student directory was moved from the Master of Arts section to the MA in Theological Studies section. This move educated me on the proper name of the degree I am earning at Luther. I guess I was thinking that I was earning a M.A. in the History of Christianity. However, that is just the concentration. So in a way I am still doing that, just now it is under a different name.

What does all of this mean? It is doubtful that it is important at all. I just found it odd that I did not realize this sooner.

I wish I had a picture of what this looked like back in the day. This photograph is of what is left of the plastics factory that used to occupy this space. In 2005, the company I worked for since 1994 was acquired by another larger plastics manufacturer interested in the market we produced parts for. In April of 2007, we were notified that this facility would be closed and all the manufacturing done here would be transferred to another facility fifty miles away in another state. I was offered a job there and I officially transferred there at the end of this past May.

I took this picture a few days ago when I had to stop at the old facility to identify an unlabeled chemical (a cooling tower water treatment designed to prevent the growth of bacteria). I was shocked to see this once busy factory empty and devoid of any productive activity. At its peak, we had 23 injection molding machines ranging in size from 17 tons to 660 tons. We made plastic parts for the medical, semiconductor, and telecommunications industries.

When I started here, I was a kid fresh from high school. My only previous work experience consisted of McDonalds and Wendy's. Needless to say, working in a factory was a totally different experience. I was introduced to the world of factory workers, people that come from all walks of life and from every story imaginable. This particular factory was small; at the most there were about 100 people working here. Most of my family worked here at one time or the other, including Ericka, Jodi, Pope Tracy, my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, and uncle Dan. I am the only one left and have been for many years now. I worked my way up the proverbial ladder from the very bottom: machine operator, material handler, set-up technician, maintenance technician, and maintenance manager (thanks to my boss getting fired). Heck, I even quit three times (once defending Ericka's honor, once to fix forklifts, and once to build automation) and they still took me back. I was married and had two children (thanks to the wonderful health insurance) while working in this factory.

Having your job transferred to another facility is like starting a new job that you did not want. In the new facility, there are only a handful of people that decided to transfer. The cliques and groups that already exist are entrenched deeply and outsiders are not welcomed with open arms. There is some animosity about us coming over there because we do things differently than they do. It makes for long, stressful days because you never know what written or unwritten rule you may break next. The alternative of not having a job is incentive enough to tough it out and hope it gets better.

June turned out to be a month of goodbyes--first Augsburg, then my place of employment. It has affected me much more than I had anticipated.

 Benjamin is a very emotional person with a broad range of emotions from the highest highs to the lowest lows. He feels emotional situations very strongly. He'll flash to the very peaks of elation, sweeping everything before him. Then, for some reason unknown to himself, he will burn out emotionally. These mood swings can be very disturbing to him. Sometimes, he feels that he can no longer produce anything. But, after given some time alone to "recharge his emotional batteries", he will spring back into action.

This is right on so far. Although I have learned how to control my emotions, they are still there. I am a moody person and often crave alone time to help center myself.

Because Benjamin feels situations intensely, he relates easily to others' problems. If he is not careful, when he comes into contact with someone who is in a depressed frame of mind, he will also suffer the same emotions and change moods. Benjamin reacts impulsively, without much thought before hand. He may plan everything in detail before he even begins, then do it completely different when the time comes to carry it through.

I do relate to the feelings of others very well and I often change moods depending on who I am around. However, I am not impulsive. I do plan everything I do in excruciating, often debilitating detail and will then follow the plan to the best of my ability.

Benjamin has a strong need for affection. He thrives on touching and being touched. Benjamin desires being told that he is loved, every day. He enjoys being the center of attention. He loves attention, sometimes he even retells stories that got him attention earlier.

This is also true. I am a touchy-feely person.

Benjamin has the possibility of being a actor or natural born salesperson, simply because he relates so well to other people. He likes expressing how he feels, what he is doing, and what he plans to do. He is a people person.

I am not sure about this one. I suppose I do like being asked how I feel, what I am doing, and what I plan to do. 

He will work most efficiently in a people orientated job as opposed to a job working alone on an assembly line (that would drive him insane.)

Although people do irritate me, I would rather work with people than work alone. I once had a job as a forklift road mechanic and it was very lonely. I also had a job that traveled to different places (often in different states) servicing robots. This was also lonely.

 People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Benjamin doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

I do well interacting with some people more than others. I seem to do better with females rather than males.

 When Benjamin expresses an opinion on a issue he will stick to that opinion, and probably will not change his mind. In other words... Benjamin is stubborn. When he is wrong about something that he has decided upon, he will have trouble admitting he is wrong. Changing Benjamin's mind can be very difficult. Once Benjamin makes up his mind, he doesn't want to be confused with the facts!

This is not completely true. I believe I do admit when I am wrong, when presented with proper evidence. However, one does need to present a compelling case to change my mind. I am not flaky and do not change my mind simply because someone tells me something.

 Benjamin will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!

Why should I lie about something? If you don't want the truth, don't ask for my opinion. Some people like to be pandered to and will often ask questions hoping for a specific answer. You will only get honest opinions from me.

 In reference to Benjamin's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Benjamin slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Benjamin can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

This is very true. This describes very well how I tackle an academic project.

 Benjamin is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Benjamin basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence category, his self-perception is better than average.

This is true as well. To be successful in my head, I need to tackle and finish projects that are achievable, yet somewhat challenging. Moderation is important for me.

 Benjamin is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

More truth is displayed here. I speak with a forked tongue. I have to temper this sarcasm sometimes because it can offend delicate personalities.

 Benjamin has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

This is my artistic side coming through. I do trust easily and will let people into my circle. However, once that trust it betrayed, it's extremely difficult to return.

Today I went to both the Baccalaureate ceremony and Commencement. I thought I would be more emotional during everything, but I was not feeling well and almost had to leave the Commencement. It was so hot and crowded in the gym that I concentrated more on how I was feeling physically then emotionally. Despite this, I really enjoyed both ceremonies. There were many qualities speeches, the most notable coming from ELCA Bishop Mark Hanson.

I really thought I would be sappier that I am right now. I started my undergraduate career in January of 2004 a wayward youth not really understanding how much I would change during college. Looking back, I have grown so much as a person that I really do not remember that person. Obviously the change to religion is a major shift in my personality. Just looking at this particular subject, my religious framework has been altered several times. I became a Christian, fought off the pull of fundamentalism, and established a religious identity that I am both comfortable with and proud to proclaim. I also learned humility, respect of the religious differences of others, and a healthy fear of God.

However, religion is only a part of the person I am today. I became interested in philosophy, which also helped me as a religious person. I realize the necessity of philosophy as something that helps both ground me and teach me how to think critically. I have a firm belief that many people being educated in religion should also take a healthy dose of philosophy to help them sort out and challenge their own beliefs.

A major change I embraced was becoming an avid reader. Before college, I rarely read much of anything, let alone books. Today I am always reading a book, sometimes two at a time. I never realized the importance of reading until I was in class during the spring of 2004 and feeling behind on my thinking because I was not well read. I worked hard to change this and it has paid off immensely. I no longer feel embarrassed about having difficulty understanding a written work. Part of the reason I will be successful at Luther Seminary is my embrace of reading early on in my undergraduate studies.

Other subjects have rose up to become interests I have today. I took many art classes, which rekindled a skill and passion I once had in high school. I also am apparently good as Spanish. After Commencement, there were departmental receptions and I attended the one for humanities. Expecting to see some religion professors there (which I did, but not ones I had for courses), I instead was treated to visit briefly with my Spanish professor. She spoke glowingly about my ability to learn the language. She asked me where I learned Spanish before Augsburg and I told her that I never had spoken a word of Spanish before this year. She was shocked and complimented my ability to pick up Spanish so quickly. This made me happy and convinced me to not allow the Spanish I have learned to go by the wayside.

Like I have said in earlier posts, I thoroughly enjoyed every course I completed. I learned something from each one that has contributed to the person I am today. From learning about indigenous people to the natural sciences, I am a better person today because of the knowledge I have gained in college.

I have grown so much at Augsburg. While realizing that I have so much to learn, I am eternally grateful for everything I have achieved. My emotions are tempered because I know that I am starting a new journey in September. However, I am still weepy and my cry if I think about graduating too much. I really feel done, though, and have the closure needed to successfully end this chapter of my life.

Why do they give out empty diploma holders anyway?

These are the courses in which I received letter grades.

These are the grades I received in those courses, listed in chronological order.

These are the courses I completed that I did not earn a letter grade. The two underlined courses were Pass/Fail by choice.

I did all of this working full-time at an extremely stress-filled job that featured two promotions and a plant relocation 45 minutes away in Wisconsin, where I currently am working. I also moved during this time (summer of 2004), traveled to Florida (twice during the academic year), Michigan (during my off summers), and Idaho (during a summer philosophy course). I also changed my major five times before settling on Religion in the summer of 2005. Perhaps this is why my grades finally stabilized at this time.

I had to learn how to properly allot my time in order to make all of this work. I sacrificed lunchtime at work to do homework. I also learned how to break down large assignments and papers into smaller, manageable units. I avoided the procrastination that seems to plague many people. Thankfully, my family was supportive and allowed me the necessary support, space, and patience to ensure my success in college. For that, I am eternally grateful.